A few years ago, I was on a 14-person flight from Denver to Alamosa, Colorado, heading to a dude ranch for a week of riding horses and herding cattle—on my own. I was flying solo, literally, when the 60-year-old guy next to me asked where I was headed. I told him about my upcoming dude ranch adventure, run by an all-female wrangler crew.
Completely missing the impressive ‘all-female wrangler crew’ detail (which still amazes me), he instead zeroed in on: “Wait, you’re going alone? Aren’t you married?”
“No,” I simply replied.
And he gave me a look—‘Is she serious?’, ‘Is she crazy?’, “What in G#d’s name is wrong with her!?”
You know, that look.
He followed up then with a pained and confused, “But you seem so normal. Nothing seems to be wrong with you.”
Realizing this was likely the first time he’d ever considered a single woman actually choosing such a status, I replied, “I’m single because I want to be. I enjoy my life this way. It’s what lets me do things like this, which is amazing.”
Fast forward to last month, when I visited the Wright Brothers monument. At the ticket booth, the female park ranger asked, “How many?”
“Just one,” I said.
Cue the same pained and confused look. “Just you?” she asked, quickly leaning out of her chair and peering over me into my car. I’m guessing she thought I was either joking or lying. “No other adults? No kids? No family?” she asked again as her sweep of my back seat clearly turned up none of the above.
“Nope. Just me.”
I smiled my own pained smile and simply waited for her mind to accept this shocking reality.
Funny enough, after her initial surprise, she seemed what I can only describe as “tickled.” She gave me a big and genuine smile, shared a tip for a secret place to park in a conspiratorial tone, and wished me a fabulous visit.
I knew one of two things: either she was actually inspired by my solo adventure, or… she was trying hard to make a poor, lonely old lady feel less ashamed for being there on her own.
Either way, I tried not to take it personally.
Well, not too personally—since I still remember it, it must have left a mark.
Honestly though, both times, I was more amused than anything by their reactions. They didn’t mean it hurtfully, it was just the idea of a woman over 40, out in the world by herself, having fun and doing interesting things?
Shocking! (GASP)
Yeah… but not so much.
For the last decade I’ve found myself on my own, first by circumstance, then ongoing by choice. I spent that time learning as much as I could about myself, relationships, human behavior, and then other single women my age in general. I continue to be amazed.
Recent research states that 44% of women over 40 are single, and of those women, 71% have no desire to be in a romantic relationship!
Um… Say what now?
Yep, according to the US Census and recent PEW research, almost half of women over 40 are single, and nearly all of them don’t want to change that anytime soon!
Wild.
I’m a sucker for data, so I went digging for more.
In 1980, only 6% of women over 40 had never been married. By 2023, that number jumped to 22%. That’s a 360% increase in just a few decades.
Unless women have suddenly become unseemly or brides are being locked out of courthouses and churches, it means more women over 40 are not only staying single once they get there, but more are choosing to skip marriage altogether.
Considering the reactions from plane guy and ranger lady, it’s clear that the popular perception of single women over 40 is just plain outdated.
I myself became single after a 14-year relationship with my best friend crashed and burned. The pain was immense, but looking back, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It gave me the space to realize that part of what strained my relationship was my lack of a relationship with myself. I hadn’t learned how to be happy alone, and that pressure had spilled over.
Being single allowed me to build that relationship with myself, to build a confidence in and comfort with myself I’ve never had. I created the space to actually hear my own voice — not society’s, not the inner critic, but my true self .
And you know what?
I liked it.
I’m not perfect, still trying to be, and I am also trying not to be too — it’s complicated (I’m a recovering perfectionist). Bottom line I’ve gotten to know myself, trust myself and actually love (most of, again still working on it) who I am. That connection with my own independent self has brought me strength, wisdom, ease, and honestly a lot of fun. I couldn’t have done that while still in a relationship. For me, being alone made it possible.
Those same studies above show the #1 reason women over 40 give for being single… is simply that they like it .
Seems I’m not alone (yes, pun intended). They’ve found that same connection with themselves, that same ease and happiness that I have.
Regardless, if you’re still confused by us nutty women over 40 being single by choice and not by circumstance, please update your programming:
“We’re single, we like it, and we don’t have any desire to change that.”
If you’re one of these single women over 40, you already know that being single is a choice, not a circumstance or some unfortunate condition to “fix.”
If you’re new to being single after 40 (including your 50s, 60s or beyond) and feeling a little apprehensive about it, don’t worry — it can be great! Always remember, you’re not truly alone…
Welcome to the new world 😉
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