Do You Really Want a Relationship—Or Just Think You Do?

I was recently with a friend who said to me, “I’m just so frustrated. I really want a guy in my life.” I was surprised—she was attractive, she was fun, she wasn’t shy about online dating, and she wasn’t opposed to asking a guy out herself (which I always found incredibly brave and inspiring). 

“Do you, though?” I asked, without even thinking about it. 

I was reminded of a conversation I had with a coach years ago when I was lamenting about one thing or another: “I wish I had a higher-paying job, I wish I was a bestselling author” (okay, don’t laugh too hard at that last one please). My coach pointed out something that really stuck with me—

’We often don’t get what we think we want because it isn’t really aligned with who we are, or, what we know is right for us deep down.’

Let me explain.

We’re told that fame and money equal success. But with fame and money comes pressure—pressure to look a certain way, maintain a specific image, maybe even sacrifice authenticity to appeal to the masses. It means long hours, maybe constant travel, always being “on,” and never being able to have a bad day in peace because your personal life becomes public property.

These are just a few things that for me would suck when I think about the ‘cost’ of fame and money.

The point is, I might not be rich and famous—not because I can’t be, but because I don’t want what comes with it – I don’t want to pay the ‘cost’. Deep down, my true self just knows it’s not for me.

Often, the things we want are really about the feelings we imagine they’ll bring—rich and famous for me for example means security, validation, and love—but the rich and famous part is just a means to the end. And those things might not actually align with who we are or what we’re willing to compromise.

I shared this concept with my friend. Then I asked her, “Do you really want a guy? Because you clearly don’t have a problem finding one—so why haven’t you picked one yet?”

“Is it possible,” I asked, “that you like your life, your independence, and that deep down you’re choosing that over a relationship you think would take it away?”

I don’t know what’s best for her—only she does. And I don’t mean the fear-based, socially influenced voices in her head. I mean her true self, the one that knows and loves her for who she really is and wants what’s best for her.

A few days later, she came back to me and said, “I think you’re right. I do love my independence, and I don’t want to give that up.” She’s considering dating again—but just for the fun of it this time, not as a means to an end.

For many women—especially those of us in our 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond—being alone can trigger feelings of needing to “fix” it, of needing to remedy this “sad” situation we seem to have found ourselves in. Society tells us we need a man, a partner, some kind of romantic relationship. But I challenge you to ask yourself: If that’s true, why haven’t you chosen someone already?

Maybe, like my friend, you’re subconsciously choosing your independence because deep down, you don’t want to give it up. Maybe you’re craving the feelings a relationship could bring—safety, love, companionship—but your true self knows that the compromises, challenges, or work that come with it aren’t for you right now.

Or maybe you’ve chosen yourself over the wrong person—your true self values who you are, and that’s why you’re living your life alone. If you really wanted just anyone, you’d swipe right on the next random Tinder match.

But you don’t. So why? Why are you choosing to live your life alone—at least for now?

This isn’t for everyone, but if you find yourself feeling down about being alone, ask yourself these questions:

Why haven’t I chosen someone already? Is it really a person I want in my life, or the feelings I think they’ll bring?

Do I really want to share my life with someone, or does my independence, my freedom from answering to someone, or my lack of “taking care” of someone actually fit with who I am right now?

When we get clear on these questions, we understand what we need (versus what we want) so much better. And that clarity helps us create the life that’s best for us—whether it’s with someone else or simply within ourselves.

There are many ways to bring safety, security, validation, companionship, belonging, and love into our lives – from within and from the world around us. 

So I say, let’s keep our minds open, and look deeper at our motivations for finding ‘someone’ because we might be surprised to find our single life is actually more aligned with what will ultimately make us most happy. 

It reminds me of the very famous Rolling Stones Song…