A single female friend of mine recently said, “I need to find some guy friends here.” She had just moved to town.
I understood. Men can be a different kind of friend than women, bringing a different, welcome dynamic. Still curious, I asked, “Why?”
“Well, for things like…in case I need to move something heavy.”
She was dead serious.
I laughed. I mean, you can’t deny the sense in it!
It reminded me of some advice I once got from my sister. There I was, sitting on the floor in my mom’s bedroom, sobbing over the break up of my 14 year partnership with a man I thought was the love of my life. My sister was listening to me from on top of the bed, and my mom stayed in the living room, watching my nieces.
“Who am I going to travel with now? Who will make me laugh? Who’ll be there when life takes a fu%#ing shit on me?” I wailed.
Don’t judge, I was distraught(;.
My sister’s advice was simple—but it would also take me a while to realize she was also right.
“You just won’t get everything from one person anymore. You’ll find a friend to travel with (I have). A friend who always makes you laugh (I have a few). You’ll find someone to comfort you after a hard day (enter my black lab, Olive😉). And when life goes sideways? You’ll have a whole team to support you—friends, family, even random people who show up exactly when you need them. It may not all be in one place, but… altogether, you’ll have everything you need.”
A month ago, Hurricane Helene ravaged Asheville, my home for three years—the only place I’ve ever truly felt connected to. The familiar restaurants, breweries, walking paths, the quiet spots where I’d stare at the mountains—all gone.
I was lucky. No major damage, no lost loved ones. But living without power, without water, and without connection to the outside world – it felt endless. My dog and I wandered through our isolated and surreal landscape. No cell service and no way to know when—or if—help would arrive. Asheville was cut off from the outside world; the only way in or out was by air.
I’ll never forget standing over my dog’s dirty baby pool, eyeing the rainwater and leaves in it. Nothing coming out of my pipes, I was down to my last Nalgene bottle of water—this dirty pool was now my last and only water source. At this point I’d stopped using it to wash my hands. And flushing? Forget it. Let’s just say the backyard got real interesting.
But…despite being “alone,” I had more support than ever. Neighbors helped with my basement flooding, friends shared propane and generators, and half my street gathered for evening meals. I teamed up with another solo neighbor to scavenge for resources, my dog was there when I broke down in tears, and a friend’s constant check-in texts would come through in bulk at odd hours during the night, reminding me how much I was cared for.
And that friend who needed “guy friends”? She’d just spent a year traveling the country in her van. Ultra-prepared and a true survivalist, she showed up out of the blue on day four with three bags of fresh water and a solar-powered phone charger!
Later that day cell towers had their first spark of life and I was finally able to connect with another friend via phone. Incredibly smart and resourceful, she helped me map out an ‘escape route’. With only a half-tank of gas and gas stations on empty, she urged me to risk it.
So, I teamed up with my van-friend again, and 15 minutes later, we were on the road for our 135-mile trek to civilization.
The point of this story: During one of the hardest weeks of my life, even though I faced it alone, my community and friends filled every gap. I know had I still been with my ex, we would’ve fought nonstop. Disagreeing on if we should leave, which route to take that might be open, and let’s just say he wasn’t exactly survival material.
But between my generous and caring neighbors, my brilliant and prepared friends, and of course my loyal dog… I had everything I needed. When I was with a partner, I found my energy naturally gravitated toward him—getting pulled in and focused there—so when things got hard, he became my only fallback by default.
You’ve heard the saying: don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s true when it comes to who you rely on and where you invest your energy. No single person (no one ‘basket’) is perfect or has it all. Maintaining a few “baskets,” though it takes work and intention, can give you just as much of what you need—or even more.
Each friend, neighbor, and family member (aka each ‘basket’) brings their own strengths. Together, they make a pretty amazing and solid whole. No one person, no one basket, is always going to be everything you need. They (or it) won’t always be there, won’t always have the energy to carry all your eggs for you, and sure as shit won’t always have a mother-fucking solar-powered phone charger!
Yes, there were challenges to facing that experience alone. But when I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure I would have traded the community and friends I invested time and energy in, made possible because I am single, for one imperfect partner. Because here’s the truth: we’re all imperfect. Sure, we like to imagine we’ll find that perfect someone, but they won’t be perfect for everything—and definitely not all the time. I’ve never built friendships or relationships expecting them to “pay off” later. That’s not how meaningful connections happen. But I will say, putting in the time and effort to find people you connect with, respect, people who inspire you, and those you can support in return, creates this powerful, unique ecosystem of support and love in your life.
And yes, maybe in an ideal world, we’d have the time, energy, freedom, and motivation to build a deep partnership with someone and a rich community. But the truth is, most of us don’t. For me, building a diverse network of friends and neighbors has brought me just as much (if not more) fulfillment than I found with a single partner alone—even though he was my best friend, lover, and biggest fan.
You don’t need a husband or partner to find all the love and support you need. There are definite pros to that path, but no more or less than choosing a life alone and building a community instead. Life’s choices are all about weighing pros and cons, and often, they balance out. For me, through that experience, I’m grateful I chose to nurture relationships with friends and neighbors over investing everything in one person—my one basket.
Eleven years ago, I chose to leave my ex, and ever since, I’ve continued choosing to be “alone.” Because of that choice, I’m more resilient and confident than ever. I’ve built connections with an incredible, diverse group of neighbors, friends, and family who both support and inspire me, just as I do for them.
Right now, in this experience, I’m glad I chose this life.
Right now, in this experience, I’m glad I chose a life “alone.”
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