“Are you dating anyone?”
“Oh, you’re attractive, smart, fun… you’ll find someone soon, don’t worry.”
“I know this guy—I should set you up!”
After my breakup—a 14-year relationship that was divorce in every way but the legal one—I turned to my amazing family in rural Wisconsin for support. It was a safe haven for me; I grew up there. But it came with a unique challenge: everyone around me was married.
Every gathering was the same—couples milling about, kids in tow, every person ‘belonging’ to another. Well, except the one weird “brother” who only showed up occasionally. According to his sister, he usually spent his free time playing video games in his basement; over the last decade, he’d barely left the house.
I (probably unfairly) pictured a 40-something dude in his underwear, chip crumbs stuck in his graying chest hair, perched over a protruding belly that jiggles as he yells, ‘Die, you moth#%r fu&%ers!’, at Call of Duty playing through his oversized television.
“My counterpart,” I remember thinking.
Great….
The conversations in the groups of wives—and even in the groups of men—often revolved around bitching about their spouses, singing the praises of their spouses, or talking about the same ups and downs for their kids.
I didn’t fit in.
And the above questions? They were so often the staple conversation starters from everyone I met that I started preparing canned responses.
Even the first thing out of my dad’s mouth every time we talked was: “Are you dating anyone yet?”
My simple answer never changed: “No.”
I didn’t want to.
It took time, but I came to realize that every time he—or anyone else—asked me that question, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me for being single. Like my single status was some glaring flaw that needed fixing. I felt ashamed. I felt ‘less than.’
So, I finally asked him to stop.
As a loving dad who hadn’t realized the implications of his words, he, of course, did. 🙂
This isn’t unique to my dad or anyone else. It’s a script so many of us face when we leave a long-term relationship and suddenly find ourselves surrounded by married family and friends. Even for those of us who have always been single, the friends we once knew from our single days often transition into married life over the years. When they ask us these questions, their intentions are usually good—they want us to be happy, and for them, happiness often means being paired with a partner.
But sometimes, it’s deeper than that.
Psychologists call it cognitive dissonance: the discomfort people feel when someone chooses a life that doesn’t align with their own choices. For many, especially those silently struggling in their own relationships, pressuring us to make the same choices can help them validate their own. Whether intentional or not, it can leave us feeling shamed and ‘less than.’
Even if they don’t judge us or try to “fix” us, they’re still married—which means they can’t offer much insight into how to live life happily single. They can’t tell us how to face the unique challenges, show us how to lean into the perks, or how we might truly embrace life alone. That’s simply not their experience.
And here’s the thing: it’s human nature to compare ourselves to the people around us. (Hello, social comparison theory.) If we are surrounded by mostly coupled friends, then that is who we compare ourselves to. Unfortunately, the mind gravitates to focusing on what’s “lacking” in our lives rather than what we have when we compare ourselves to those around us (enter negativity bias.) And so, we are constantly feeling ‘lacking,’ ‘less than,’ and defective.
But we aren’t.
The other challenge of surrounding ourselves with only married friends—and those with kids still at home? They simply have other priorities that take precedent. It’s understandable, but it can also hurt. Again, here we are, feeling rejected and defective.
But again, it’s simply not true.
So… while never ever should we trade our amazing married friends in for anyone else, we should think differently, expansively…
The #1 secret to happiness and a fulfilled life for single women in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond?
Find women friends who are single and your age too.
I know, your first reaction is, “Yeah ok, that’s easier said than done.” Not untrue.
But, in my next article, I’ll provide a practical guide on how to do it.
For now, I want to focus on the importance of making this happen. Making new friends at this age does take a little effort. Not a lot—it isn’t painful—but it does take an open mind and a commitment to doing it.
But when we spend time with other single women, especially those who thrive in their independence, the picture we have of our single life in our mind shifts. We stop seeing what’s missing and start seeing what’s abundant. Single friends remind us of the perks of our lifestyle—the freedom, the time, the space for self-discovery. They also help us solve challenges in ways that married friends simply can’t.
Single friends tend to have more time for us. They’re more likely to be available for spontaneous plans, more willing to show up for our highs and lows, and better equipped to relate to our unique challenges. Plus, they need an outside support system too! They are more motivated to be supportive, loyal, and understanding—qualities you can then offer them in return.
Especially for the ones thriving in their own single lives, they model what’s possible! As humans, we can’t know what’s truly possible until we’re exposed to it—seeing it in real life opens our eyes to opportunities and ways of living we might never have imagined. Having single friends who are thriving provides that exposure, showing us what a happy, fulfilling, independent life can look like. With this, we gain a new perspective, a sense of hope, and the inspiration to carve out our own unique path.
And even when it comes to dating (if that interests you), single women friends can also be your greatest allies. Whether they’re happily embracing singlehood or exploring relationships themselves, they’ll understand your journey and support your choices without judgment.
But I caution you not to aim for someone that finishes your sentences, that has your exact sense of humor, loves the same movies, AND likes to do all the same things with the same schedule! That ‘fairy tale” may not exist – and that’s OK! Some of the most amazing adult friends I’ve made are ones that I wouldn’t have been friends with 20 years ago. We just didn’t immediately click.
Yet… they have become my besties and partners in crime.
Research in social psychology shows that the strongest friendships often form through shared history, as gradual self-disclosure over time deepens trust. OR, through shared trauma, as facing adversity together fosters connection and mutual support.
Some of the best friends I’ve made since I turned 40 have been through one of these two approaches. Either giving them a chance—continuing to spend time together, hike, go to coffee, see a movie thus nurturing mutual respect and common ground—or through shared trauma. The latter is indeed faster, but more painful too 🙂.
My point here is that we need to not “fairy tale” our picture of new and meaningful friendships. They may not come in the perfect package with the perfect happy ending. But incredible single female friends your age are out there, waiting for you—I promise.
Finding single women friends your age is more than just “nice to have”—it’s a must. And you need more than just one; you need a few. These friendships can help you shift your perspective, see the possibilities, and embrace a fulfilling, independent life. They provide the support, understanding, and camaraderie that’s hard to find elsewhere, and they open the door to a life that’s vibrant and full of opportunities.
Some of these friendships might already be closer than you think, waiting to be nurtured. Others might take a little effort to find, but it’s worth it. With the right mix of single friends who understand your path, celebrate your wins, and walk with you through the challenges, you’ll not only balance your relationships with married friends—you’ll thrive.
The effort it takes to find these friends is small compared to the immeasurable reward. You have the power to create this for yourself, and once you do, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it.
In my next article, I’ll share the how—practical tips for finding and connecting with these friends. For now, open your eyes, open your mind, and take the first step toward building something extraordinary—it starts with you.
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